Dating and all that…

In the world of online dating few things come more naturally than to take this sort of thing personally. But in fact, there is little truth in it. First, it’s easy to forget that no matter how good your profile, no one really knows you until they know you… so it’s hardly like you’re being rejected. If anything, you may need to come up with a more revealing profile (not as easy as it sounds, I’m finding).

Second, studies have shown that on average, women receive far more initial contacts than men. It’s not unusual for a woman to receive 10 emails per day requesting correspondence, and even if you’re the one she’s looking for it’s going to take time for her to wade through them all and respond to yours. Studies also show that, 21st century values aside, women are still reticent about making the first move. Most want the man to initiate contact and will wait for him to do so after having viewed his profile (which again, he will see that she’s done).

Third, we all would do well to remember that men and women choose partners for all sorts of reasons… and many of them are bad. When rejection makes us feel undesirable, it’s because we’re assuming that men and women tend to choose wisely in relationships. The fact is that at least as often as not, when someone rejects you it’s probably the highest compliment he/she could bestow. Granted, I’m speaking as much to myself here as to everyone else. Like everyone else, I’m hardly a stranger to rejection (my wife left me after 13 years of marriage for heaven’s sake), and a cynic would argue that I’m just trying to make myself feel better. But well-characterized dating/relationship studies and divorce statistics support this. If anyone thinks I’m in denial about rejection here they’re welcome to send me reliable data that says so. ;)

Dating is supposed to be fun

Love, relationships, communication… history is strewn with the wreckage of those who were careless about these things. But that said, dating is also supposed to be fun. Getting to know another person, the spark of chemistry, the joy of getting to know someone… laughing with them, playing together, experiencing new things together … these are among life’s greatest delights. And few things will kill this fun faster than never-ending morose introspection… “she loves me, she loves me not… she loves me, she loves me not…”

“How do you feel about our relationship?...”

“The same damn way I felt about it when you asked me 10 minutes ago…” ;)

Don’t get me wrong! Intimacy, honesty, vulnerability… nothing is more important between a man and a woman.

But at the same time, there is a “vulnerability” which is little more than limp-wristed, metro sexual, existentialist drama. Gag!... How 60’s! True vulnerability is strength and centeredness. And true strength is vulnerable. This kind of strength will always be anchored in honesty and genuine self-identity… well enough that the anchor won’t need to be timidly checked every 5 minutes, thank you. ;)

So… lighten up everyone! Be patient and let the dating process handle itself. And try to have some fun along the way. Let the day’s own evil be sufficient for the day (Matt. 6:34), and leave the drama for Dr. Phil.