Chemistry and "Ladders"

As a man, created in the image of God, I’ve been called to guard this sacred fire... in my own heart and in the deepest feminine soul of the women in my life. To do this I must be genuine, sincere, and undivided in heart… the same man on the outside that I am on the inside. It’s been said the in King Arthur’s court, no man was allowed to join the Knights of the Roundtable until in addition to his combat training, he’d learned how to dance. Those who know what it means to guard the sacred fire within will understand why this was. If I settle for less, no doubt I’ll be more “exciting” and “mysterious,” and like moths to the flame I’ll draw legions of women who prefer longing to genuine love.

But if I can’t look the man in the mirror in the eye and kneel before his Maker with clarity and conviction, all the female attention in the world won’t make up for it.

I realize that all of this sounds pretty hopeless. That isn’t my intent. On the bright side, it must be remembered that the research I’ve cited here deals with women as an overall statistical sample. No doubt there are at least some exceptions, and even amongst those for whom it’s true it will be to varying degrees. But I’ve come to realize that women who are truly prepared to say no to the Dark Triad are exceedingly rare, and finding such a woman is going to be more difficult than I ever imagined. I can no longer take it for granted that I ever will. The loss of that certainty is something that today I grieve.

But I also need to remember that I’ve written these words during a season of heartbreak and disillusionment. Dark nights of the heart and soul often produce some of life’s deepest lessons and visions, but they can also blind us to the hopeful vistas of the mountaintop… the places where God reminds us that He is larger than the world’s brokenness (including our own ;) ). And darkness does not prove that the sun doesn’t exist. Whether I can see it now or not, there is a rich horizon He is waiting to show me… the Promised Land. “See what I have prepared for you!” He says. “Trust Me!”

And so I must… Not out of desperation or weakness, but because faith, hope, and love are reasonable (I Cor. 13:13). Seasons have a way of passing. Tears dry, sorrows fade, and no matter how depressing today may seem, if we so choose cynicism need not have the last word. Nowhere is this truer than in time of heartbreak.

The research I’ve presented here is solid, and my dating experience underscores it, as does that of every other guy I know. And yet, even if a majority of women these days are influenced by the Dark Triad, it remains true that some have risen above it. These women are the ones I seek, and however rare they may be they're worth waiting a lifetime for.

I do have one advantage over the Knights of Ladder Theory. I’m not looking for a well-notched bedpost and bragging rights at the bar, so I have no need to prop up a fragile ego with ongoing conquests. I’m looking for one woman… whom I can love, honor and cherish. When I find her (and yes, despite everything I’ve written so far I am doing my best to say when, not if) all the pain and loneliness I had to endure searching for her will be no more than a fleeting memory, if that.

Even if I never find such a woman, I will still be far happier and more blessed than if I’d settled for less than the best that she and I were made for, and I will continue to hope that it doesn’t come to that. Despite the disappointments of the last two years (not to mention a failed marriage) and everything I’ve documented here, in my heart I have a feeling that someday I will find her. That hope is why I continue to date, and in the end this is what living by faith is all about! ;)

Ladder theorists have a term for men like me. They call us “cuddle bitches.” Sweet-natured guys who are doomed, they say, to spend the rest of our lives on women’s Friendship Ladders… forever liked, but never desired, never loved, and never laid. According to them, we get what we deserve. Perhaps. But I have a term for them as well…

Cowards. Insecure, posturing boys who have no vision, no code, and ultimately no identity of their own as men apart from what’s granted to them by vapid centerfolds who agree to being bedded.