Chemistry and "Ladders"

Everything I’ve ever known about love and believed in says that these things ought to be desirable. I simply cannot fathom why so many women would turn their backs on them and invest their hearts, their tears, and even their lives pursuing men who are clearly incapable of loving anyone well… even themselves.

Most researchers explain this behavior as a consequence of evolutionary sociobiology—women are more likely than men to be unreasonably picky because of their higher “cost of reproduction” and alpha males who are aggressive, promiscuous, and opportunistic are more likely to bring home the kill and expand their share of the gene pool (ultimately, natural selection is driven by sexual selection because this is what fuels genetic diversity). This makes a great deal of sense biologically, but unless we’re prepared to believe that women are no more than hormone-driven primates, it’s unacceptable.

If there is anything that separates us from the animal kingdom, it’s the capacity for reason… for wonder, reflection, and self-determination. As human beings we have the power to rise above our impulses, take control of our destinies and make sane, loving choices. It is the Image of God in us and we’re responsible to Him to honor and protect it. When we allow our unnamed fears or sexual instincts to dictate our lives rather than serve our destinies, we trade this birthright for slavery and emotional impoverishment… we become less than our fullest selves. Rocker David Lee Roth once said,

“Women are great. When they dig you there’s nothing they won’t do. That kind of loyalty is hard to find—unless you’ve got a good dog.”

I refuse to believe that this is all there is to women. Regardless of whether we end up friends, lovers, or just acquaintances, when I offer my heart to a woman I expect better of her.

Like many men, I long to share my life with a woman… to be her companion, her lover, and her best friend. Though my life is full and rewarding, I don’t relish the thought of spending the rest of it alone. But in this noisy consumer culture of ours where instant gratification reigns supreme, it’s too easy to forget that there are worse things in life than loneliness and celibacy. Jesus asks,

“For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?”
(Mark 8:36, NASB)

What indeed!

There is a fire that burns in each of us… a fire that is the very cutting edge of life and who we are. We see it in Jesus when he cleared the temple, in Mother Teresa when she ran to the streets of Calcutta, in Paul when he said “Woe is me if I do not preach the gospel!...” (I Cor. 9:16). We see it in children as they run on the beach squealing in delight as seagulls frantically try to escape their hands, in friends laughing hysterically as they fling snowballs at each other under a peaceful winter sky. We see it in lovers as they lie on a bearskin rug in front of a beach cabin fire, lit by the soft light of scented candles and wrestling in a tender, love-crazed passion that comes from the very depths of their souls and transcends mere lust the way eternity transcends a flash in the pan.

We see it in ourselves when we set aside the expectations of others and refuse, fiercely if need be, to settle for less than the best in our souls.