Chemistry and "Ladders"

Then there are men like me who refuse to tolerate it. Our vision of manhood leaves no room its needy shadow games and emotional slavery. We prefer to be true to ourselves, and the possibility of love that is true, centered, and based on inner strength… even if means waiting many years and risking the possibility of lifelong loneliness and celibacy.

But the feminine mine field has become so pervasive that sooner or later most men simply give up and resort to the armored battle tank… If that’s what women respond to, they say, then that’s damn well what they’ll get. I can’t tell you how many guy friends I have who’ve read my Match.com profile and told me afterwards that I’m certifiably insane… “Geez Scott! Are you out of your %*&$! mind? I don’t care what they say… you need to pay attention to what they respond to Dude! How many ‘kind’ and ‘loving’ guys do you know who get women regularly?..."

For a number of years now there has been a growing subculture of men known as the Seduction Community, or Pickup Artists (PUA’s) who’ve committed themselves to making the armored battle tank a systematic and well-documented art form. The origin of the movement goes back to Eric Weber’s 1970 bestseller How to Pick Up Girls and over the last 35+ years has grown into a nationwide movement built around what has come to be known as Ladder Theory. According to Ladder theorists, a woman’s psychological makeup tends to separate platonic and romantic/erotic ways of relating to men. When a she meets a man, at a subconscious level her interactions with him will determine a future path for the relationship—a Ladder—that will move the relationship in one of these directions (Friendship or Partner), but not both. The Ladder, it is claimed, is decided very quickly. What a man does or does not do at his first meeting with a woman will determine which Ladder he ends up on, and once the Ladder has been set it becomes increasingly difficult to change it.

Ladder Theory is generally considered to be pseudoscientific. The evidence for it is largely anecdotal and to the best of my knowledge, no peer-reviewed research has verified any of its more specific claims. Nevertheless, Pickup Artists have made it the foundation of a considerable knowledge base of seduction tactics, and their success rate is hard to argue with. Many of these are shared online in various discussion forums, and they even have their own Wiki site documenting much of it (LadderWiki.com, 2009).

What’s revealing about all this is that the most successful PUA seduction tactics are all based on overtly aggressive, manipulative alpha-male behavior. Examples include the use of Negs (backhanded compliments) and Push-Pull tactics, in which the target is subjected to both Negs and seemingly caring comments alternated at a carefully timed frequency intended to create emotional confusion and sexual tension (according to Ladder Theory, emotional confusion not only makes the Partner Ladder more magnetic, more intriguing, it makes it seem “rickety” and in need of being shored up by a pursuit—a “challenge.” There is of course, no equivalent effect with the Friendship Ladder because the men who are assigned to it actually are trustworthy and stable). Another proven tactic involves approaching a woman who is already with a man and stepping between them while elbowing the rival in the face.

Say whatever you will about Ladder theorists, but they aren’t stupid. For more than three decades they’ve relied on tactics like these because they work! Countless women respond to them, even as they rage to whatever gods they believe in about abusive, manipulative and emotionally unavailable men. Every one of the women I’ve dated who backed away at the first sign of sincerity and tenderness had a history of long-term relationships with men like this—relationships in which they had invested significant portions of their lives and endured untold heartache, betrayal, and repeated cycles of breaking up and getting back together again. Yet they were unwilling to invest more than one or two dates in me even though all insisted I was the kind of man who could make a woman happy.

Going Forward

My life is blessed and full. I have a promising career, enriching passions and a vision for what God has called me to, and most importantly, a beautiful little girl who is the light of my life. Sad as my divorce was, I took away from it 13 years of experience in commitment, nurturing, and the knowledge that having been faithful to the end, I could deliver on any promise of love, trust, and commitment I made to a woman ever again. I reentered the single world with hope, convinced that one day I would find the loving, passionate, and Christ-centered relationship I’ve longed for and remarry.

Today, I’m not so sure… I do believe that such a relationship is possible for me, and I am certain that there are women out there who truly long for one as much as I do. But if the last two years of my dating life are any indication, I may never find a woman who will commit to me, or even stay present in my life unless I ruthlessly suppress any evidence of a rich emotional life and a commitment to integrity. I’m not willing to do that, and I never will be. Having corresponded with some 150-200 women over the last two years and been on at least 60-80 first dates, by far the most reliable predictors I’ve ever found for rejection are tenderness, sincerity, and trustworthiness.

It’s baffling…