Chemistry and "Ladders"

For instance, women tend to be extremely picky about height. According to the U.S. Census Bureau the average American man is around 5’ 7” tall. But the data shows that men’s chances with women drop exponentially below a height of 6’. At 6’ 1” I clear that margin by a mere 1” which places me in the top 9% of American men. In other words, nearly 91% of all men are ruled out immediately by women on this score alone, before anything else about them is even considered. However, it’s been shown that a man of average height who makes close to what I do can buy his way into the benefits of being 6’ tall if he can increase his annual income by $175,000, and can offset being fat, bald, and ugly with an increase of $186,000 (Hitsch et al., 2005). In fact, the data suggests that with an income above $250,000-$300,000 a year a man can have pretty much any woman he wants on virtually any terms that suit his fancy, regardless of his character, his appearance, or even how he treats her. One recent study amongst Chinese women has even demonstrated a clear correlation between the frequency and intensity of women’s orgasms and how wealthy their partners are (Pollett & Nettle, 2008). The size of his portfolio actually gets them off!

Though there is evidence that a woman’s income has at least some influence on men, at best it’s an added plus and unlikely to lead to compromises in other areas, especially relationship matters. No male gold-digging tendencies even remotely comparable to those of women have ever been demonstrated.

Across the board, women have been shown to be significantly pickier than men, slower to be attracted to, or fall in love with anyone, quicker to fall out of love, and less likely to accurately communicate their true interest and/or commitment level in either case (Penke et al., 2007; Todd et al., 2007; Place et al., 2009. For an enlightening op-ed on this see Christopher Seddon’s piece The Trouble with Online Dating at the Knowledge Emporium blog). Contrary to popular myth, it’s guys, not women who are more likely to be transparent about their feelings and desires in a relationship and be FILO—that is, First In, Last Out (women perceive things differently because for all the reasons discussed above, they're more likely to selectively pursue the minority of men who aren't emotionally available—in essence, creating and sustaining their own troubles).

Once again, to be fair some of this reflects a very legitimate fear of abuse. The statistics on stalkers and domestic/relationship violence are overwhelmingly weighted toward men, and though I don’t have any numbers to support it yet, the things I’ve seen and heard over the last year lead me to believe that online lying and manipulation are strongly weighted toward men also. I, for one, am convinced that women have a lot more reason than men to be cautious in their dating choices. But none of this explains why so many women drive away men who are loving, sincere, and trustworthy… the very men who actually can provide a stable and nurturing relationship. One would expect that self-preservation and a desire for happiness would lead women to selectively favor men like this, but the evidence says otherwise.

Of all the men I’ve known in my life—friends, family, fishing buddies and colleagues, and for all the countless discussions we’ve shared about our individual dating/relationship histories, I have yet to meet a single one who didn’t identify with my own experience…

The feeling of navigating a mist enshrouded mine field with no map or directions of any kind… where the mines reposition themselves on the fly in random, self-contradictory, and virtually unpredictable ways, where the slightest misstep will undo weeks, or even months of emotional and spiritual investment…

And the only guaranteed passage to the treasures on the far side is in an armored battle tank… Which is of course precisely what most men resort to.

Women complain bitterly about men who are “emotionally unavailable” and “can’t commit.”

Well, hell yes ladies! When so many of you insist on putting a mine field in front of us that selectively exterminates genuinely trustworthy and loving men, most of us are going to do whatever it takes to cross it. What did you expect? That we’d all fall on our swords and accept responsibility for your dating and relationship choices no matter how inconsistent and destructive they may be?

I have known men who did their best to navigate this mine field. Some even managed to make it to the other side despite wounds and setbacks (happily married couples do exist, thankfully). But even so, many had to make significant emotional compromises in the process.