Chemistry and "Ladders"

It also completely missed the point.

What made this epiphany so striking was that I hadn’t tried to please her… or anyone else. Throughout our correspondence I had shared the same things that I’ve always presented in my online profiles… the truest and fullest vision of manhood I know of—one that’s based on an undivided unity of heart, soul and spirit, without guile or insensitivity, and characterized by the paradox that true strength is gentle, and true gentleness is strength. A man of this character will be prepared to stand at the edge of the abyss and take a bullet in the stomach for his beloved if need be, and yet melt in her arms with tearful sincerity, tenderness and love. Above all else, this is the man that God has called me to be, and most importantly… the man that I will always choose to be whether there is a woman in my life or not. In word and deed, I had done everything I knew of to show her what this means to me and why I’m committed to it.

Regardless of whether “fixing” me was appropriate or not, the fact that she perceived all of this as in need of being fixed only demonstrated how radically different my vision of manhood was from hers… and as I saw in the grenade’s harsh light, from that of most of the women I’ve dated.

“You are a very nice person,” she said in closing, “and I wish you all the best!” A very nice person… not even a very nice guy. From a woman’s lips to a man’s heart, if ever there was a kiss of death this is it.

Driving back to Seattle that evening I thought long and hard about our visit. Like most people, my dating history has been mixed. Over the last two years I’ve had plenty of potential relationships that didn’t work out for very good reasons (e.g. distance, differences in faith and values, and personality, etc.). As often as not it was I who chose to end it, not the women involved. For the most part, this has been sane and healthy. Not everyone is compatible, which is why we date in the first place.

But I’ve also met dozens of women who, based on their stated values and desires, I should’ve been deeply compatible with emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and (according to them anyway) physically… only to discover that they were driven by what can only be called emotional schizophrenia. In their online profiles they’d described themselves as “romantic,” “caring,” and “honest.” They wrote with passion and conviction about how tired of “games” they were, and how they longed for “a man of integrity.” One who is “loving,” “trustworthy,” “committed to family” etc. etc. “NO players! NO clubbers! NO drama!” they insisted. “I am SO finished with that!”

But when I reached out to these women, their interest seemed to last no longer than their emotional question marks about me. Out of the gate there was fun, conversation, intrigue, and even passion (“Oh Baby, I can’t wait!...”). But the very moment I opened my heart and showed any evidence of genuine sincerity and caring... a cold northern wind blew in.

“I don’t know… something’s not there for me now…”

Like what?

“I… I just don’t know...”

What do you mean you don’t know?

“The love connection isn’t quite there now…”

Love connection? What the hell is that exactly? Would you mind putting some actual content into that statement?

“Sorry! But I just don’t know. I guess my feelings are taking me by surprise… I mean, I love how you’re a nice guy and honest and sincere and all, and I love the poetic way you write and speak, but… it’s like it’s too easy all of a sudden… too much of a known thing… If a man seems to lean too far forward in the saddle it gets kinda predictable… no challenge, no excitement…”

Known? Predictable? Of course, it’s known and predictable! That’s what’s called integrity, loyalty… Perhaps you should look those words up in the dictionary.

“Sigh… I know, I know. But…”

But what? Your online profile insists that you want these things in a man. Well, what the hell is it already? Do you want ‘em or don’t you?

“I’m sorry Scott, I really am! But I just can’t explain it… you can’t explain the workings of chemistry, it’s a mystery…”

A mystery? How "mysterious" can it possibly be to make sane, healthy, and loving relationship choices? Last time I checked, you weren’t a circus animal that had been trained to bounce a beach ball whenever you hear a whistle and get a dog treat. Did that situation change recently when I wasn’t looking? Do you really not have the slightest clue what’s going on in your heart?

And so on, and so on, and so on…

Of the women I’ve experienced this with I can count on less than one hand those who could give me a reasonable explanation for it. Yet all showered me with apologies and eloquent speeches about what a “wonderful guy” I was… and not one didn’t have a history of long-term relationships with men who were at best controlling and self-centered, and at worst cold, deceptive and even abusive.